i am so.... lost for words. can you stay a moment please? let me hold your hand, grip it tightly. please show me that not everyone will leave or try to break me. please be different. please don't hurt me.. there is already space inside my chest, that i've filled with a wall to protect whats left of my heart. save me and i will rescue you. kiss me with the intention of never stopping.. i've let you in as much as i know how to, i've been very hurt.... but that just means i know how to appreciate a good thing when i have it. i think.....i love her..... love doesn't have a time frame or line, a when you're suppose to or when you're not suppose to.. the fire in my heart burns more and more everyday. she makes me smile... she's everything i'm not. i love that. you know what they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or as she said.."Absence weakens mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and kindles fires"

you mean so much to me.. you make my body come alive...you bring me alive..

shinning star, i've seen your face.

...See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. you can be my sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, either way i dont want to wake. Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away, and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart. You say i'm your best friend... love is just friendship set on fire. to have you in my arms was all i ever wanted, to have you as mine forever was all i ever dreamed.... guess eventually you have to wake up. love is not finding the perfect person, but seeing an imperfect person perfectly. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing! Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same. I dont know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too. The ones that i love the most are usually the ones that hurt me the most... sadly.


 I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.


dear god, please let there be someone, somewhere, who dreams of my smile, my touch, my kiss... i'm waiting for my fairytail, my soulmate.

i will never regret loving you, only believing you loved me too. love is born with a smile, grows with a kiss, and dies with a tear. one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to do is stop loving someone because they've stopped loving you. i remember that day you stopped loving me like it was yesterday.. it replays in my head like an old record on a broken record player. maybe if i had just looked away that first night you came towards me at sarah's house, everything would be different and my heart wouldn't be broken right now. i could fill a thousand pages telling you how i felt and still you would not understand. so i left without a sound, except that of my heart shattering as it hit the ground. it's so hard to tell my mind to stop loving you, when my heart still does.  i hope that one day will go by where i'm not pretending i'm happy. i hope that day comes soon. i felt your knife stab my heart.. i realize now that the tears that fell from my eyes were truely the blood from my broken heart. one of my biggest fears is never loving anyone again the way i loved you. you hurt me more than i deserve, how could you be so cruel? i love you more than you deserve, why am i such a fool? here i am thinking something is wrong with me... there i was ready to forgive you for anything... no more! like you said there will never be another you and me! this i promise you. you mind fucked me, and i'm done. i'm taking the welcome mat off my head and my heart. there will never be another tear that is caused by you! all the power you took from me, i'm taking back.. and the heart that you used for you're own pleasure will now be back in my chest where it belongs!

you broke my heart but you can't break my soul. you know they say love can mend a broken heart... but how? because my heart won't love when it's broken. i really hope love is patient, because it's gonna take someone extremely patient to be with me.
god send me an angel.



this is the truth. i've said this before and i'll say it again from my heart...
the girl who seemed unbreakable.. broke
the girl who seemed so strong.. crumbled
the girl who always laughed it off.. cried
and the girl who never stopped trying.. finally gave up

how is it possible to feel like your entire insides have been torn right out of your standing body? how is it possible to feel like something was your fault, when you never did anything? that in fact, it was the other who was the one fucking up. how is it possible for one person to have so much power over you, that you physically cant take care of yourself after they've hurt you so bad? can't eat, can't sleep, getting sick, body is weak like you have no life in you... no strength. how is it possible to be hurt over and over, again and again but yet you still love the person so much that you will see past the wrong that they've done just to be with them? some things you cant erase, no matter how hard you try. all i want to do is close my eyes and open them when this pain leaves.

one day i'll forgive you for what you said.. but not now. not anytime soon, and i will never forget.
justina-"i can't believe i did a lot of things for you. btw.. i love sabrina and i dont want to be with anyone but her. i kept running back to you because my family put so much pressure on me...the whole time my life only made sense when sabrina was in it. you and i do not belong together and we do not love each other anymore. stay out of my family's life, please"
this was where it ended for me... because you took joy in my misery! why did you feel it was necessary to tell me all that? it's not like i was hella on your jock or stalker status to where i wouldn't leave you alone. were you trying to make it hurt? cuz it did! you could've said you didn't want to be with me anymore. you could've said you thought our time has past. you could've said a lot of other things.. but you love to get reactions out of people. this is the last reaction you'll see from me, and i won't give you the satisfaction of knowing how much you really killed part of my spirit.

i cant believe i let her in just enough to leave ANOTHER scar on my heart

ok so Justina, which is my most recent ex has been trying to get ahold of me for awhile now.. mostly email. i finally gave in and emailed her back=first mistake! she said everything i wanted to hear, and started crying. she asked if she could see me.. i agreed=second mistake! when i saw her, i tried to be completely heartless but the more i tried the more i started hating myself cuz i knew deep down i wanted to see her, i wanted to hold her, i wanted to kiss her.. i just played hard to get. she cried in my arms and said she made the biggest mistake of her life by letting me go, that i'm the only person she's ever been IN love with and she knows now exactly what she wants. she said she would never stop trying to prove to me that i'm the one she needs. i told her i didn't believe her and i don't trust her, and all she said was "i don't expect you to, but please just give me the chance to show you." i let her in=Third/biggest mistake!!! i don't know what to do. she did it once, so she's capable of doing it again. she tells other girls the same shit she used to tell me just to get them to fall in love with her. she tells ppl what they want to hear... she's the perfect liar! i'm so confused because i love her so much that apart of me doesn't want to let her go even though i know i should. i don't deserve second best, because someone else will put me first.. someone else will believe that the sun rises and sets with me, as i used to believe with her. i hate this feeling, like i have no control, like i have no idea what to expect. i believe in second chances but i'm going against everything i believe in by giving her a 3rd chance. fool me once, shame on you.. fool me twice, shame on me! this time it would be my fault if she does the same thing. everyone that loves me, everyone that means anything to me is saying don't.. but its so hard to stay away! how do you love the most beautiful liar, cheater, and abusive person alive? carefully.....

for the first time in a long time..... i'm terrified.

how do you stop the pain from coming, when its the first feeling in the morning.. it stops you from getting out of bed. how do you stop a hate for someone, when they stole every happy thought, memory, feeling that was ever good inside you.. i can't even remember what used to be good. how do you move on with life, when they stole life from you.. doesn't even matter to them if you're still breathing the same air they are. how do you love again, when you gave someone your heart, soul, and power to destroy you but trusted them not to... but they did destroy you, and didn't care that your heart is bleeding or that you lost yourself. how do you live each day knowing that the one you loved more than the air you would breathe, the one you gave the world to, the one you would've died for just so she wouldn't feel the least amount of saddness, the one that you put before anyone and everyone; doesn't care. she played me for a fool, she made the biggest mistake of her life, i would've treated her like a queen, she doesn't want me, she put someone before me, she didn't care that she was squeezing my heart to tight and by doing so, she broke it.. after it broke in her hand she let go, looked at it shattered on the ground and said to herself did i do that? then laughed, wiped her hands to get the rest of the broken pieces off and walked away. "time for the next" as she would say...
she makes you fall in love with her, even if she doesn't love you.. she needs attention, she wants it from everyone, and if she's not getting it, she'll make you give it to her.. when she doesn't want your attention anymore she lets you go... but not too far cuz when she wants your attention again she'll want to reel you back in and play with your emotions, make you think you're different and you have a chance, but really its all part of her cycle. i think i should call her the black widow... she takes your life, fucks with it, makes you think you have a fighting chance, breaks you out of no where, will let you run off but not too far, just when you think you lost her she's right behind you telling you everything you want to hear and you think maybe it's different this time.... it's not!!!!!! keep running! she just wants to play with you till you get boring to her again. alsdflahsglkajsrltjhaldkfjg.xfgkljaqdrilhg'alkjglkja!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just needed to get some anger out and thats what it looks like at the moment cuz there is nothing to hit around here.

i'm done for the moment

sigh..... i promised myself to never love as hard as i once did, but thats never how it really works is it? Justina.... sigh.... when i was younger i wished for a girl, and Justina was exactly what i wished for plus all the things i forgot to wish for. i was the happiest person alive, i thought life couldn't get any better, that god answered all my prayers and brought me the angel of angels, thee most beautiful girl in all the earth and the heavens, that all the bad in the world couldn't bring me down... 6 months later... my world crashed right in front of my eyes, i couldn't eat anything, i couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe. I wasn't enough... do you know what it feels like to have your heart ripped from your chest, thrown to the ground, it breaks, then someone steps on it, then spits on it? that's how it felt when she chose another over me. she hurt me so bad that it felt like she took every ounce of good in me and now i have no more left to give.. i'm bitter and i take my pain out on the world because now i believe everyone will leave after awhile, that anything i really want will end, that love isn't enough, that passion, desire, wanting, craving, devotion, promises will die. apart of me died... i'm walking around blind folded and couldn't tell up from down at this point. i've lost all faith in love, in happy endings, trust, in people who say they're for real... no one ever is. i was always the one to preach about love and how it's the greatest thing in life, all you need is love...that part of me left with her, i cant find it, and i miss that part of me.

I GAVE HER THE POWER TO DESTROY ME, AND I TRUSTED HER NOT TO..........  BUT SHE DID.

What happened to my life? i lost myself... i gave my soul to the devil. i've never felt so much pain, anger, and sorrow ever, let alone at the same time.. i feel all these things on a daily basis and it's all at the same time... all i can do is cry. i've fallen and i'm not sure if i'm looking to get up at the moment.

There is someone trying to show me different... someone who is not willing to let me push her away. She is amazing.. i push and push and push and she still comes back. i'm an ass to her everyday at least twice, but she wont give up. i tell her to leave.. even if its not what i really want, and she doesn't leave. I promise this isn't who i really am!

my BODY is SCARRED from LYRICS ive CARVED bruises IVE healed LIPS that IVE starved WOUNDS ive REPLACED with LOVE &WITH hateTHE truth SET me FREE but MY faith WAS raped.


bittersweet

Have you ever seen in your dreams.. all the castles in the sky?
Have you ever really looked at your life and wondered what you're doing?
Ever felt like something was missing?
Ever wanted to be next to someone so bad, that you could smell them in your dreams?
A single word from that person would send you straight to heaven or become your worst nightmare
A certain phase could stop your heart completely or be the reason you keep breathing...
I'm scared of the silence, because it screams the truth.
Different paths, Different worlds.
Opposites attract, worlds collide.
sometimes the best thing for you to do, is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do..

the girl who seemed unbreakable.. broke
the girl who seemed so strong.. crumbled
the girl who always laughed it off.. cried
and the girl who never stopped trying.. finally gave up


when the world says give up,
hope whispers try it one more time.